What are some more interesting ways of showing our anger at Putin?

While governments and nations continue to denounce the actions of Vladimir Putin, Richard Heller outlines some more 'outside the box' ways of showing our displeasure at Russia's despot.

The Russian embassy in London, at 6/7 Kensington Palace Gardens, London W8 4QP, has never looked more beautiful than last weekend when protestors beamed the blue and yellow colours of Ukraine all over its walls.

No doubt the Russians have the latest anti-beam technology but like most things in Putin's Russia it probably malfunctioned. I hope that the protestors managed to beam light into number 13, the residence of Putin's chosen liar extraordinary and plenipotentiary, Andrei Kelin. Why should this lackey sleep easy in his bed when his master has driven ten million Ukrainians out of theirs? Why is he still here at all and all the other Putin emissaries (forty at the latest count in the London Diplomatic List)? I suppose it is useful to track their movements and contacts, and perhaps one of them will defect.

I wonder if the Guyanese consulate opposite the Embassy (which has never had so many visitors) might have let itself be used to aim the beam. It has very sportingly allowed demonstrators to plaster its railings with pro-Ukraine and anti-Putin posters. Beaming might go too far and incite Putin to invade them.

Many other buildings have recently been bathed in blue and yellow. It is a brilliantly dramatic peaceful means of protesting against Putin. I would like to suggest a couple more.

The Vamp Against Vlad would be a regular musical event. People all over the world would be invited to play, sing, or chant one chosen minor chord at the same moment – against Putin. It would not need any words. G Minor should be in most people's range and many vacuum cleaners and other appliances are tuned to G and could be switched on to give the chord added depth. People could play the Putin chord together (the biggest and loudest chord ever played) or in relay, picking it up from each other, making the longest chord in history. Famous performers in all musical genres might lead it.

In a crowd of millions, inevitably some performers would come in late, especially pets and wild birds, and some would be above or below concert pitch. No matter: their efforts would actually reinforce the insulting message of the Vamp chord.

The Vamp should begin at noon Moscow time on the chosen date. In a global event, it might be passed east to west through time zones to hit noon in each one, and then resume daily where it started. It would be brilliant if Russian protesters joined in, and it would tie down a huge part of Putin's security apparatus if it had to arrest anybody on suspicion of performing a G, a B flat or a D. Moreover, Putin's cultural controllers would look stupid if they tried to ban every musical work in G Minor.

The 'Blimputin' would be a successor to the blimp which mocked Donald Trump in London in 2018. I feel certain that the protestors who jeered that one would show equal fervour against an aerial Putin.

The Trump balloon was done as a baby which is not the right note for Putin. 'Blimputin' must be belittling and demeaning but not in any way endearing. The chosen design should also be available in regular helium balloons. Now it would be a serious breach of the Vienna Convention on the protection of diplomatic property for protestors to launch these at the Russian embassy. Like all tyrannical hysterics who invade other people's countries, Putin is known to be a stickler for the Vienna Convention.

Even if we broke off diplomatic relations with his regime we would still have to carry out our obligations and arrest and charge helium balloon attackers. But the police and the courts would have to establish mens rea and they cannot penalise fumble-fingered protestors for accidentally losing their grip on their balloons in a sudden gust of following wind. Or else the balloons could be entrusted to children under the age of criminal responsibility, many of whom lose such balloons without special training. Their howls for a replacement would add extra timbre to this form of protest.

Both of these protests, especially the Vamp, are readily exportable to other countries. I am working on another with global possibilities. It is not generally known that throughout the Second World War, Who's Who – the standard biographical reference book of titled or otherwise important people – contained an entry for Hitler, Adolf, Reich Chancellor of Germany since 1933. It was written in the same deadpan style as other people's and gave the same basic information – including a telephone number (for the record Berlin 11 6191). Throughout the Second World War it was at least theoretically possible for people to book a call to Hitler and give him a piece of their mind. Who's Who does not offer a similar service for Putin, Vladimir Vladimirovich, only an address, and he doesn't open letters because he is so afraid of germs.

If I can find a suitable telephone number which he might pick up I will pass it on to the world, although it would be even more punishing for Putin to give it only to the phishing scammer who has just got hold of mine.