Another supply of wet cardboard from Keir Starmer

George Orwell once likened political clichés to tea leaves blocking a sink. A modern image might be wet cardboard clogging a dustbin.

Keir Starmer added to the supply in what was intended to be an uplifting article in Monday’s Times, and if you hate clichés this is a red rag to a bull. He scatters them through paragraph after paragraph and they bring the piece to a regular halt (pardon me, I should of course have said a screeching halt) despite his efforts to replicate Tony Blair’s breathless sentences – tough on verbs, tough on the causes of verbs.

He opens “nobody is pretending that tariffs are good news”. (Well, actually, Donald Trump, with whom he has such a truly special relationship, really believes in them, but let that pass.) “But they have made something very clear” (Bang! Barrel one). “This is the beginning of a new era.” (Bang! Barrel two. I believe this is known as “a left and a right” in the world of shooting, which I was understandably asked to leave. A quick reload and then he refires both barrels: “this is not a phase – the world has fundamentally changed”.

But he soon takes the bull by the horns. “It’s not the job of governments to sit back and hope for the best or simply manage the moment. That’s part of the declinist mentality of the past decade that has stoked insecurity for working people.” It is hard to find any meaning hiding itself skilfully in these thickets of abstraction, although it is surprising that a “declinist” mentality can stoke anything. Then comes something close to a zinger. “Governments that saw the global sands shifting and decided it was easier to stick their hands in it.” Sadly, this perpetuates a common slander on ostriches. They do not bury their heads in sand to pretend that there is no danger around, but for a very practical reason. It is Mama Ostrich deliberately turning her buried eggs over and in these enlightened times it is sometimes Papa Ostrich doing the job when she’s having a hen night.

After building on the best of our strengths and traditions Starmer promises that his government will be at the forefront of change, but also seizing it and shaping it so that it works for the British people. This conjures up an awkward image of a marching column whose leaders suddenly turn and manhandle it into something else, when anyone who has been to compulsory cadet corps knows that this can and should be achieved silently by arm movements. Starmer is then going to rewire the British state completely, removing any barriers or blockages. The rewirers I have employed are rather good at getting round barriers and blockages and I am instantly suspicious if one says “that barrier or blockage will have to go, guv, before I can start.”

Of course, Starmer is going to unlock Britain’s potential, but the first means to achieve this is very confusing: “abolishing NHS England, stripping out layers of bureaucracy and saving taxpayer money so it can focus on looking after patients.” What does “it” refer to? Not NHS England because that is being abolished. Possibly “taxpayer money” but money does not focus on things: it gets spent or saved, and depending on the writer’s viewpoint, invested or wasted.

“I will only sign deals, with the US or anyone else, that are in our national interest.” Well, that’s a relief. “And I want to be clear – nothing is off the table.” Well, that is a relief too, but it does not clarify anything and makes the table an infinite depository and what if the elephant in the room decides to sit on it?

A few bombinating paragraphs later the British car industry becomes in rapid succession an engine room and a sword, and how far will the government back it? You guessed of course. To the hilt. Then there’s a lot about electric vehicles, and the last government is accused of rowing back on its targets for them, and if it really was rowing rather than driving it is no surprise that we have not got enough electric vehicles. But not to worry: Starmer’s government is going to put rocket boosters behind the electric vehicle industry to help its efforts to go faster for consumers at home.

And “there’s more to come. This is just the first of a series of pro-growth measures we’ll be delivering [allow me a brief heavy sigh at the lost battle to limit delivery to post or pizza} to provide certainty, stability and support for industry, build resilience and boost growth. That is what backing Britain looks like.” Oh come on, do give us examples, because these sentences echo with emptiness.

Then comes a final clarion call.

“The world may be changing, but Britain stands firm. We’re back in the driver’s seat and forging a new path towards a better future.” 

Standing firm is not a good thing to do in a driver’s seat and few driver’s seats are good for creating new paths except those of steamrollers and even with these new paths are not forged, unless the writer intends to suggest that they are faked.

Starmer and his advisers presumably believed that this article would generate confidence in his vision and leadership in tough times. Unfortunately, it achieves the exact opposite, and suggests that he is several concepts short of a clue.

It is unfair to pick on Starmer for this sort of prose, but he does have some previous offences. Hundreds of other modern politicians crank out moribund metaphor routinely in hundreds of languages and it has become much easier for them thanks to AI. Why do they imagine that it inspires hope and trust? All it does is to create a following for politicians who speak colourfully, independently of sense.